sexuality

Jun. 26th, 2011 04:20 pm
emilyexorsist: (bill sad)

It's been a little while since I've posted an LJ rant, so I figured it's okay occasionally, right?

Straight off the bat, I'm bisexual and online, pretty open about it. So some of you probably already knew. And for those who didn't, I'm sorry if you felt I kept something from you, I just don't tend to introduce myself with the info. In real life, quite a few people know I am but not everyone. The situation's similar I guess, I don't tend to just put it out there in conversation but there are a few who've either guessed or it's come up in conversation (sober or not) and so they know.

Nowadays, I consider myself pretty okay about it. I never really had one of those ferocious internal wars with myself. It was more a skirmish I guess. I was just confused and a little frightened when it turned into "hey, that girl's pretty," to, "wow she is so gorgeous I wish I could..." (nothing pedo here!) When I realised, or confronted it at least, it was during a time when I was struggling with some really serious depression and so I think I sort of lumped all my issues together and shoved them in an "depressed problem" box. Therefore, I never really dealt with my sexuality as a single issue. 

For the most part, I really feel okay with my sexuality, I often let things slip when I'm with the friends who don't know, not as a "hey look at me I'm not straight" ploy, I just don't think about it as something I shouldn't say. But recently, I've had several dreams, or musings, when I've been with a girl (sry guyz, you're out atm) and it gets heated but nothing ever happens because we'll nearly kiss or something and then I'll pull back and say something ridiculous like, "We can't, what if we get caught?" I mean, I kept it quiet for a long, long time, especially irl, and now these thoughts seem to be at the forefront of my mind again. Is this still my secret?

I've got enough of those, I don't need more.

This is such a ridiculous post as I'm not even sure what I'm getting at. I sort of feel the stirrings of confusion and unhappiness again which sucks so, so bad because I'm supposed to be in a "good place in my life" right now and stuff like this I'm supposed to ignore, keep away from my bubble of happiness or just suck it up and fucking deal.

That's it really, I feel like shit now.

emilyexorsist: (Default)

I'm all up and down and all over the place at the moment. One minute I'm okay, everything is great and I'm smiling and the next something triggers a crash and a lot of the time I don't know why. This weekend was fabulous. But then some things happened that I didn't really think anything of at the time and now they're kinda getting out of hand. I feel all sick in my belly and keep getting shaky, too. I'm an anxious person my nature but recently I've become so much more so and it's beginning to get out of hand, to the point where I can't sleep and I'm eating so much less than I used to. It's like I'm on this self destructive path but I'm completely aware of it so why can't I stop it?!

I feel like I'm reverting back to my older ways and fuck, that scares me more than words can say.

I'm not who I used to be so whenever some old trait or habit starts re-emerging I freak out, get worse and lose control. I don't even know how to explain myself right now and I don't want to burden anyone one with the details. I just really needed to get something off my chest.

Thanks to anyone who listened to this rant <3 I think I'll just have to put on a brave face for the most part and try not to run away. Yeah, I'm good at faking a smile.


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